Nothing left unsaid

One of the comforts I have and thank God for is that Richard and I lived in such a way we left nothing unsaid between the two of us.  We talked about everything. I used to call him my best girlfriend because of that…lol.  Even a few weeks before he went home to Jesus we were talking about what we would do if the other went before us. And also what we would want for each other if we were the one that goes first. That conversation gives me strength now …I can hear his voice telling me to hold on to Jesus and to never give up and be happy and that he would be cheering me on every step of the way with the cloud of witness the bible talks about.  I realize it was a gift God gave us to share ever bit of our hearts with one another.  The other day I was looking for something and came across a letter I wrote Richard in his personal stuff.  Even thought I know I said these things to him often it made me smile that he treasured this letter and kept it.  There is such comfort in knowing the ones you loved knew they were loved. 

What you mean to me.

My Beloved,

There is no one else I’d rather spend time with. You’re the most interesting person I know and also the smartest. I love your smile and you still melt me with your touch.

I love giggling with you and having our own inside jokes. (Leviticus) 

You’re the most awesome man of God I know and that is the biggest turn on to me.

You’re the kindest person I know and I love how you show that. You put other people first to your own hurt.  You work harder than any man I know.  I love all the little things you remember to do for me it makes me feel like I’m always on your mind. I love sitting around in the yard together and just thanking God for how blessed our lives are. A perfect day is being with you no matter what we do.

I love how giving you are and how you have such a big heart to bless people in the name of Jesus. I love when you call me just because. I really love when you call me because you have something exciting to share and I’m the first person you want to share it with.

I love how we can tell each other secrets that no one will ever know about.

I like that you protect me when life gets to stressful. You’re my prince charming that is always coming to my rescue.

You’re the funniest, warmest, caring, loving, sexist, silliest, boldest, sensitive, giving man of integrity I know!

And I am head over heels, giggly school girl, madly, crazy over the moon in love with you!

And always will be.       

                                                               Love Lightning,

                                                                   Anna     

P.S. I’m not telling anyone what Leviticus means either....so don't ask. LOL

Closer than we think to timelessness

I believe heaven touches earth a lot more then we know….or maybe I’m just looking for it now.

At 5:15 PM today it will be one month.  Time, it’s a funny thing. It feels like it stopped for me as I watch the rest of the world go by. So a month doesn’t seem to mean anything right now other then “I can’t believe it’s been a month”. There was a movie out years ago called Groundhogs Day… the plot was about a man who was stuck in a time loop and kept living the same day over and over again. That’s kind of what my life feels like right now. Not that I do the same things every day but every morning as I come out of that twilight state and wake up the first thought that hits my mind is the reality that Richard’s not here… and all the unbelievable heart wrenching pain comes flooding back. It’s anything I do now that we did together….(which was almost everything) that makes me feel like I’m living the same painful moments over and over again. I guess this is why it feels like time has stopped. But in reality I know it hasn’t and I’m so glad it hasn’t. Because every day I’m closer to seeing my husband’s amazing smile again and feeling him wrap his arms around me again…and when the real timelessness comes… I will never have to be separated from him again. In heaven the bible says there is no time. I like the thought of spending timelessness with my Jesus and my Richard. Time is for this earth. Time so often just makes us long for things…like…can’t wait till this day is over or the weekend to get here or for vacation to start. We spend so much of our life waiting for another time…or longing for a time that has past and we can never get back.  Although this time we have on earth may feel long it really is nothing compared to the timelessness of eternity….it is really like a vapor.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Vicariously living through the lens

Shannon was here this weekend. Just watching her live is healing to my soul. I know she is hurting also and together we love each other through the painful moments. She has her ways of coping and some are just amazing to me. She started the sweetest thing when we say our prayers at night. She holds on to Richard’s thumb print necklace and says “I’m holding Poppy’s hand Grammy because he’s right here with us.”  

I know... I choked up on that one also.

Photographing her has always been a great joy for me but now I love it more than ever because she is so full of life and so full of joy and it makes me want to be more child like… her faith is simple and pure… and her Innocence is the most beautiful gift. 

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 18:3

Silent Sunday

HOMESICK

Well this song pretty much sums it up for me today…In fact it’s now the ringtone on my phone. Some days I just don't have words. But Jesus knows exactly how to read my heart.

                          

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21

Glimpses of Life

I walked out of the post office yesterday and was overwhelmed by the beautiful landscape. I don’t have very many of these moments yet…where I feel completely alive again. In fact they are so few at this point I can recall every one of them.  The first one I had I was driving down the road listening to the radio announcer tell a funny story and I laughed out loud.  Not that it was the first time I laughed since Richard went home...but it was the first time I was by myself and laughed.  When you’re alone in this kind of pain you’re stuck in your own thoughts or you do mindless things so you can get relief from the pain.  So when I laughed out loud I startled myself because it was the first time I felt alive again. I know I’m still here,  I know I’m still alive, I know I still have to function. But you just do it because you know you have to... not because it feels like there is any life in it. So when I have these burst of life they take away my breath but in a good way.  And I know one day I won’t be able to count them because they will be plentiful again. But until then I am savoring these glimpses of life.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

Love Lightning

I still remember how it felt the first time Richard touched me. He reached across a table to touch my hand and it was like lightning went through me. In fact it actually scared me because I never felt anything like that from someone's touch.  

Soon after that touch we had our first date. We went to see a movie called Meet Joe Black. There is a scene in the movie where Anthony Hopkins is talking to his daughter about what falling in love should be like. He sums it up with “Who knows lightning could strike”.

            

So for the rest of our life and our love…every letter or card we gave one another we always signed "Love Lightning”.

Richard’s touches always remained that to me... so when I was given an opportunity to get a necklace made from his thumb print when I was making the funeral arrangements I thought how perfect would that be to have.

Richard always gave me the most awesome, thoughtful gifts. Once he had a Raggedy Ann doll made for me and over her heart he had them stitch "Love Lightning". So I know this necklace was something he would have picked if he could have.

Well yesterday it came in and oh did I cry and I can’t stop running my fingers over it!  I’m such a sentimental person…so this is just such a treasure to me. Oh and guess what’s inscribed on the back?….yep…“Love Lightning”.

 That is Richard’s wedding band…like mine it says…

”I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine”

Thank you my beloved

Until we touch again

Love Lightning!

Anna