I’m going to start something new on my blog that I am calling …
“Silent Sunday”
All I’m going to do is just post a picture…but no words. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I thought this was the most fitting to start with.
Because of Richard’s sudden home going I never posted my last post …which was celebrating Shannon’s going off to school and our summer together.This weekend is her first visit back since Poppy went home to Jesus. She surprised me with many question. Some very hard ones….but she had one that made me LOL.She said…”OH no Grammy who is going to help Reverend Angel dunk people under the water for the baptisms?” That still makes me LOL.I’m so glad she will always have the memory of Poppy baptizing her and the wonderful summer the three of us had together.
To go learn all the things we need for life...like...
Ok I think we got this one down...hehehehe
and...
Have a wonderful year sweet princess!
We are so proud of you :)
It’s been a wonderful summer with our granddaughter. I pray we gave her memories she will carry all her life…ones that will be part of molding her to become all we know she will be. We are all going to miss seeing her beautiful face everyday.
Nothing in my life is the same.I find the simplest things so bizarre. Like I fill the top rack of the dishwasher and run out of cups but can’t run it because the bottom only has two plates in it. I don’t think I ever used the small cycle on the washing machine …now that’s all I use.My refrigerator looks so empty …if I’m talking when I open the door I hear an echo. (Wow did I just admit I talk to myself...lol)
(The flowers are from one of the bouquets I want to press in a book. )
I feel like I have been plopped down into someone else world.
But that's not so… this is my life now.
I guess these things I find so bizarre are now the
beginning of my new normal. In actual fact the only thing any of us have to hang on to that is never changing...Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today and forever. Hebrews 13:8....so I do...with all my might.
I was so worried about Richard’s dog Jasper that he would go into a terrible mourning. I prayed God please don’t let this be the case. One because I didn’t want him to suffer and two I just couldn’t bear my grief and his at the same time. The first night was HARD! He kept getting up to the edge of the bed and barking every time he heard the slightest sound... which got everyone else going. After hours of this I finally stood up looked at all the dogs and said very loud. “Listen, Daddy went home to be with Jesus and we need to accept that and move forward …now shut up in the name of Jesus!” Then I took Richard dirty red sweatshirt and wrapped Jazzy in it…after that I didn’t hear a peep out of any of them again. So the next day I went through the laundry and took all my husband’s dirty tee-shirts out for the dog. Every day I have been giving him one.But yesterday something happened that amazed me. I went to give Jasper one of Daddy’s dirty articles of clothing to cuddle up with....but this time he sniffed it and walked away... not wanted anything to do with Daddy’s clothing since.Again animals amaze me.They know we can’t stay stuck in any stage of grief. We have to keep moving through the valley of the shadow of death. Because that’s just what it is a “shadow” and shadows can’t hurt you.
This is Daddy and Jasper enjoying a cup of coffee.
I don’t know who I said this to yesterday but I said “I just want to dream about Richard”. God who I have always said is the kindness person I know answered my prayer last night. He was standing in a field of the most amazing powdered blue and yellow colors….colors I can’t even explain...they were like vibrant and see through at the same time. He was waving his arm with every ounce of his being. Like you would trying to get someone’s attention in a crowd. When we locked eyes he just mouthed “I LOVE YOU “very slowly. And I woke up.I can’t tell you what that did for my soul. The Lord says he will restore our soul….He knows what that means for each of us. For me He knew I needed that dream.Thank you Jesus…. tell Richard “I LOVE YOU TOO”
That morning Richard was so happy because he had off for the first time in 8 days and we had nothing to do. He said we are going to watch movies and have a nice dinner and just enjoy our day. We had our prayer time and our normal enjoyable chit chat over our morning coffee with dogs weaving in and out of our feet under the table vying for a spot on our laps. He got up at one point and said he needed to get some aspirin. I teased him and said “what’s wrong baby did I give you a headache already?” He said “No wifey I have a back ache” and we both chuckled. He went outside to say hi to the neighbor and while he was gone the phone rang. It was a dear friend of ours and she needed to know if we knew of a good plumber because she had no water. I told her I would have Richard call when he came back in the house. Of course knowing my man who was very handy he called her back and said he would come take care of it. When he got off the phone he just smiled and said at least I’m off and can help her. He was gone for about an hour and I got a phone call from him he was coming home... I was surprised and said “wow you're done already?” He said “no she needed a new water tank” so he sent her and her husband to go get it and because it was going to take them a few hours he wanted to come home to hang with me. We played Frisbee with Jebediah and I took a bunch of pictures of them…we just had a really nice time. We kissed goodbye a few hours later and out the door he went. I was sitting at my computer playing a praise song and worshiping the Lord. The dogs decided they wanted to go out so I got up and took them. I was standing by the back fence gate, looking into the field and this feeling of unbelievable sadness came over me and I just felt something go through me…I don’t really know how to explain this part. I started to cry and said to God “what is this? I don’t like this season you are bringing me into”…and a second later my phone rang in my hand. It was my girlfriend’s husband and he said Richard had collapsed on the ground and was not breathing. I don’t really remember much after that everything is patchy. I remember not being able to dial the phone because I was trying to call my Mom….I don’t know how long it took me to remember it just seemed like forever. I kept saying to myself “Anna you can do this, you can dial a phone” over and over again but I just couldn’t remember. He died instantly… I know now what I felt was him leaving. We were one…he couldn’t leave without me knowing…because a piece of my soul went with him. So now I embark on a journey I would have never chosen for myself but I serve a God whom I trust completely and I’m hiding under His wing till the storm calms and the sun comes out again.
When that wave of unbearable pain hits I feel like I’m drowning and with every ounce of my being I fight to get to the top of the water so I can breathe again.Tonight when it hit I grabbed my camera and got on my bike.When I got to the end of the road and past the trees and saw the moon I tried to get a shot of it…this is what I got. Richard would always say to me “I love you to the moon and back” ahhhhhhhhh baby I wish I could fly!
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
