Jasper has been doing so much better the last few months. He's been more social when company visits, and has even started coming off my bed to hang in the office with me. I have a little twin bed positioned under a window in that room so I plop him up on it to spy out the squirrels and chippies. He seems very content doing just that. Well so I though that’s what he was doing. …until I just happened to walk out on the porch and get a glance of him through the window. It was then I realized what he’s really been gazing at is the gazebo, where he always sat with Daddy. The look in his little eyes told me his heart still longs for him.
I find myself having these moments of longing as well. One of them happened at church last Sunday. It was a beautiful service and I was being so touch but I also found myself really longing for Richard to be there. So much so I whispered in my heart “Lord I wish Richard was here.” Not even expecting a reply to that hearts cry I heard the Lord ever so gently whisper back into my heart “he is”. I smiled and just then Shannie crawled up on my lap and said “Grammy, Poppy would have loved this and I think God is letting him see it.” Wow! I guess God really wanted me to know that. But what happened next showed me He really, really, wanted me to know He and Richard were right there. Our Pastor walked over to me and said ‘can I hug you?”. I said “of course”…and as she wrapped her arms around me she whispered in my ear “I have something to tell you but I don’t want to say it in front of everyone.” Thinking God was about to correct me for something (It’s funny how our mind goes right there first) but still loving my church family so much I said “you can say anything in front of these people.” So she took my hand and I took Shannie's… for some moral support…lol… and she lead us up in front of the congregation. But nothing could prepared me for what she was about to say…and when she said “Richard and Jesus are standing right here with you” my body shook with the bottomless sob that erupted out of me. It was like 10 months of grief and pain had found its voice… and it was this gut wrenching scream. A scream that was every tear, every lonely moment, every longer to just see his smile, to feel his touch…to hear his voice… all rolled up into one animal like sound that was locked inside my soul. The release of it felt freeing….cleansing and as if my soul was being washed in the rain of God’s overwhelming love.
Now Lord please do the same for my little buddy Jazzy.
And thank you for the soul care treatment.
I really needed that. :)