I walked out of the post office yesterday and was overwhelmed by the beautiful landscape. I don’t have very many of these moments yet…where I feel completely alive again. In fact they are so few at this point I can recall every one of them. The first one I had I was driving down the road listening to the radio announcer tell a funny story and I laughed out loud. Not that it was the first time I laughed since Richard went home...but it was the first time I was by myself and laughed. When you’re alone in this kind of pain you’re stuck in your own thoughts or you do mindless things so you can get relief from the pain. So when I laughed out loud I startled myself because it was the first time I felt alive again. I know I’m still here, I know I’m still alive, I know I still have to function. But you just do it because you know you have to... not because it feels like there is any life in it. So when I have these burst of life they take away my breath but in a good way. And I know one day I won’t be able to count them because they will be plentiful again. But until then I am savoring these glimpses of life.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2